I Can't Imagine I Will Get This Job So Here Is What I Submitted

Heya! I have another ThunderPunch! show this Thursday, June 2 at 8pm at Skiptown Playhouse in Los Angeles. It’s going to be a really fun night of stand-up comedy and magic, please come. Tickets here!

I really enjoy the website ClickHole and they had a job opening for freelance headline contributors, so I thought I’d submit. And after I wrote it, I thought, these are enjoyable but really what are the chances I’d actually get to work for them? So I thought why not share this with my newsletter readers. The submission asked for 10 headlines and 3 celebrity “They Said What?!?” pitches. If these don’t make sense I highly recommend visiting their site because I think the stuff they do is hilarious.

CHRIS GRACE
ClickHole Submission
May 2022

HEADLINES

1. LIST: 8 Compelling Reasons Your Nephew Thinks You Should Climb On The Garage Roof And “Send It”

2. LIST: 12 Ways to React To Drinking A Can Of Barely-Flavored Seltzer Water That Aren’t Visibly Retching In Front Of The Healthful Person That Handed It To You

3. LIST: 11 Things Abraham Lincoln Might Have Said If He Had Survived Long Enough To See “The Queen’s Gambit”

4. QUIZ: Which Ancient Aztec Deity Would Most Enjoy Your Writhing Intestines As A Sacrifice?

5. QUIZ: If Not Now, When? (BTS EDITION)

6. ARTICLE: Tech Gone Wrong: Alexa Now Suggesting Users “Get Over Themselves”

7. ARTICLE: Sports In Disarray: Professional Athletes Going Through Existential Crises Have Realized The Concept Of “Out-of-Bounds” Is Completely Arbitrary

8. BLOG: Most People Think “Bye Felicia” Is From Drag Culture But It’s Actually From The Movie “Friday” And I Can’t Wait To Correct The Next Person I Meet That Thinks That

9. BLOG: I’ve Just Started An Esoteric Hobby And Would Love If You Asked Me About It Without Me Bringing It Up First

10. BLOG: The Hardest Part About Raising My Children Has Been Coming Up With Interesting Unique Takes On The Experience

“THEY SAID WHAT?!?” PITCHES

TSW: “Occasionally I walk away from my cart and someone else might take it, but I politely inform them it’s my cart and that you can tell because it has the Totino’s Pizza Rolls in it.” — JD Salinger, on shopping

TSW: “Not only are lunar eclipses not a big deal, nothing in astronomy is. It’s actually super basic and stupid and I mourn a lot of my ill-advised life decisions.” — Neil Degrasse Tyson, on regret

TSW: “Sometimes when I miss a shot, I quickly grab the rebound and dunk it back through and loudly yell ‘SWISH! I MADE IT!’ A lot of times they will count it as a made shot, especially if I really believe it myself.” — LeBron James, on basketball

(Thanks for reading and see you next newsletter!)